[ Jeff is quiet, unsure if the stumbling and retreat is because Cam's shy and vulnerable, or because he just doesn't really give a shit and just wanted to fling an apology at him and get instant forgiveness.
He doesn't know if he wants to argue or talk Cam through his feelings or what. What winds up happening is: ]
Okay, so this was like the apology drive-thru. Got it.
[ He should just say 'great, apology accepted, we're cool' and be done with it. Instead, he says something that's been eating at him since the forest-- and even more in the past hour. ]
[ That's not a yes or a no. Jeff's not ENTIRELY convinced it's a simple "that's all" matter. He saw the effect it had, back in the forest. ]
I hurt a lot of people's feelings. I usually didn't mean to, or even... know I was doing it, really. [ Not out of naivety, so much as self absorption, thoughtlessness. He hadn't thought of himself as a bad person at the time, but the recent incident in the forest taught him that, well... He hurt a lot more people than he thought. ] Whatever the reason I did what I did, I really am sorry. I wouldn't have hurt you on purpose, if that... helps at all. I wasn't really in the habit of thinking about other people. Not even my best friends, or my family.
Look, Cam, I...
[ Jeff sighs, pressing his hands to his eyes for a moment. He's still hurt, but he knows he can't cling to that. It doesn't do anyone any good. ]
I worked my ass off to make something else with my life. And sometimes it feels like I'm not any farther from the starting line than I was in my twenties, but-- [ He doesn't even know what he's trying to say here. For such an open, emotional person, he hates talking about his OWN feelings, especially when they touch on his past.
Sometimes it's hard to remember why he shouldn't throw his sobriety away. Especially without Mel here. It's hard, and the forest made it even harder. ]
I know I don't seem like it, but I am strong, and I can be reliable, just maybe not in the ways you think. Like, yeah, maybe I can't kill a lobster! [ He laughs a little. ] But I'm not... not that person I was.
[ By which he means an unreliable narcissist. ]
I wish you'd give me a chance.
[ THERE, he said it. He might regret it, but at least he said it. ]
[He’s silent while Jeff says his thing. Cam is good at listening—when he wants to be.
A quiet exhalation as he pinches the bridge of his nose, laying back against his bed.]
I am giving you a chance.
If I didn’t think you were worthy of my time or consideration I wouldn’t be speaking to you right now.
I understand you were a different person then, and I believe you. But, do you blame me for feeling… wounded that something so painful to me meant so little to you it’s not even a memory?
It's illogical, I know. Why would you?
I don’t know how to begin to explain what that night meant to me or how it affected me, because it’s honestly too humiliating. You were one small part of a much larger issue.
[ Jeff's quiet, thinking it over, before he responds. ]
No. I don't blame you. [ He draws in a breath. ] My memories of... 20, 21, are kind of fucked. A lot of it is just--
[ Gone. Into the ether. Some of it from the drugs, and others because of the 'Demon Incident.' He's not sure when Cam met him, if it was before or during that... He could see it going either way. It's not like he was a totally thoughtful, considerate guy before that thing came and made a nest in his head. ]
If you... if you ever want to talk about it, with me, I'd listen. Even if you don't know all the right words. [ He sounds a little awkward in his offer, because he has no idea how welcome it is, or if it's just inviting Cam to wallow in misery. But he just wants him to have that outlet, at least, to get some of the hurt out. CONSTRUCTIVELY. WITHOUT YELLING AT HIM ABOUT SHELLFISH. ] I can take it.
[God, Cam wishes none of this had ever come up. He doesn't know what's more embarrassing, the event itself or his reaction to it. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he doesn't want Jeff to think he doesn't trust him, or thinks he can't take it.
Cam sighs, rubbing his face.]
It's honestly not--
I mean, looking back, I don't know why--
It's not as bad as it sounds. As I'm making it out to be. You weren't--
We met at the bar after your concert. My first concert. I didn't even want to go, I was busy, really busy, but I went because my friend was going, and she convinced me. That, and she always got so- I didn't want her to go alone. Just in case.
It was good. I couldn't believe it when you came up to me afterwards. I was really flattered, because you were really good. And very attractive. And I didn't get out much. I'd never really had... that kind of attention before. Not directly.
[Cam doesn't need to say he was a virgin. The ghost of Jeff's rockstar past said that much for him.
He breathes, taking a moment.]
We talked. Flirted, I guess. You bought me a few more drinks. Well, they were free, but-- you know what I mean. You said you wanted to go somewhere more private, so we could get to know each other better. I wanted to get to know you.
Someone wanted to talk to you so you said you would be back in a couple minutes, and we'd go outside to your car. You didn't come back. And I should have known you weren't coming back after this first hour, but I thought maybe you'd gotten caught up in something important. So I waited until the bar closed, which in hindsight--
[Muffled sound, because his face is in his hands. Just talking about it makes him want to die all over again.]
God. It's stupid, but I thought 'this is a sign you should be focused on your studies' so I didn't go out again.
[Jeff isn't the only awkward one. That comment about liking him... Jeff doesn't mean 'like' like, does he? Forty-five and Cam still feels like utterly unequipped to deal with men in a romantic capacity.]
I like you too. So I won't make you do that. It's really no trouble for me. I've killed goats before.
[Great selling point. Now he thinks you're a Satanist.]
[ Blink blink. Jeff can't tell if they're on the same page or speaking around each other, DEAR GOD THIS IS AS BAD AS HIGH SCHOOL. At least they're not agonizing over Instagram likes, like his students do...
Or is it Snapchat now? Note to self: ask Athena. ]
Goats are jerks. They were probably asking for it.
[ He says that teasingly. DON'T WORRY, CAM, Jeff doesn't mind that there's goat blood on your hands.
Even if he doesn't really mean it when he victim blames the goats!! ]
So...
Should we make this crime against shellfish an actual date? A date-date? A no kids allowed kind of thing?
[ THERE. THERE IS NO MORE AMBIGUITY. JUST MANLY FORWARDNESS!! ]
I like goats, but there's really no picking and choosing when it comes to following local customs. And they're unfortunately tasty.
[There's no denying it this time. Jeff Calhoun is asking him out. On a date. That was unexpected. He's caught completely off-guard. A moment of silence as he collects himself. Or attempts to.]
I don't know about should, but we can.
[ Why are you like this? He laughs nervously at his own bad joke.]
Are you busy tomorrow night? It's fine if you're not. I know it's short notice.
No, maybe tomorrow is bad. It's uh, it's my birthday. That would probably make for an awkward first date.
[Why did he even mention it? He could have just kept his mouth shut.]
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An hour later; voice
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[ STOP IT, JEFF. Just accept the apology. ]
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[God, why is talking to Jeff more intimidating than any warlord?]
You know what? Never mind.
I'm sorry. I'll see you around.
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He doesn't know if he wants to argue or talk Cam through his feelings or what. What winds up happening is: ]
Okay, so this was like the apology drive-thru. Got it.
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[ Seeeething breath. Okay, maybe he did jump down Cam's throat. ]
Fine. I'm sorry I interrupted your apology. I wasn't thinking before I opened my mouth.
Your turn.
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And I may have been insensitive to your feelings.
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[ He should just say 'great, apology accepted, we're cool' and be done with it. Instead, he says something that's been eating at him since the forest-- and even more in the past hour. ]
Do you respect me at all? As another man.
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[He wants to argue Jeff wasn't any more gentle, but... Cam was the one who started it. Going off on Jeff over fucking shellfish.
There's a moment of silence as he tries to compose himself and give Jeff an answer.]
I do respect you. I just don't know if I can rely on you.
Please don't take that too personally. It's not a judgement. In my line of work we can't rely on most people. Least of all civilians.
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And it's because I'm a civilian, not because I flaked on you twenty-some years ago?
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And I can't put the blame entirely on you. I was a fool.
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I hurt a lot of people's feelings. I usually didn't mean to, or even... know I was doing it, really. [ Not out of naivety, so much as self absorption, thoughtlessness. He hadn't thought of himself as a bad person at the time, but the recent incident in the forest taught him that, well... He hurt a lot more people than he thought. ] Whatever the reason I did what I did, I really am sorry. I wouldn't have hurt you on purpose, if that... helps at all. I wasn't really in the habit of thinking about other people. Not even my best friends, or my family.
Look, Cam, I...
[ Jeff sighs, pressing his hands to his eyes for a moment. He's still hurt, but he knows he can't cling to that. It doesn't do anyone any good. ]
I worked my ass off to make something else with my life. And sometimes it feels like I'm not any farther from the starting line than I was in my twenties, but-- [ He doesn't even know what he's trying to say here. For such an open, emotional person, he hates talking about his OWN feelings, especially when they touch on his past.
Sometimes it's hard to remember why he shouldn't throw his sobriety away. Especially without Mel here. It's hard, and the forest made it even harder. ]
I know I don't seem like it, but I am strong, and I can be reliable, just maybe not in the ways you think. Like, yeah, maybe I can't kill a lobster! [ He laughs a little. ] But I'm not... not that person I was.
[ By which he means an unreliable narcissist. ]
I wish you'd give me a chance.
[ THERE, he said it. He might regret it, but at least he said it. ]
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A quiet exhalation as he pinches the bridge of his nose, laying back against his bed.]
I am giving you a chance.
If I didn’t think you were worthy of my time or consideration I wouldn’t be speaking to you right now.
I understand you were a different person then, and I believe you. But, do you blame me for feeling… wounded that something so painful to me meant so little to you it’s not even a memory?
It's illogical, I know. Why would you?
I don’t know how to begin to explain what that night meant to me or how it affected me, because it’s honestly too humiliating. You were one small part of a much larger issue.
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No. I don't blame you. [ He draws in a breath. ] My memories of... 20, 21, are kind of fucked. A lot of it is just--
[ Gone. Into the ether. Some of it from the drugs, and others because of the 'Demon Incident.' He's not sure when Cam met him, if it was before or during that... He could see it going either way. It's not like he was a totally thoughtful, considerate guy before that thing came and made a nest in his head. ]
If you... if you ever want to talk about it, with me, I'd listen. Even if you don't know all the right words. [ He sounds a little awkward in his offer, because he has no idea how welcome it is, or if it's just inviting Cam to wallow in misery. But he just wants him to have that outlet, at least, to get some of the hurt out. CONSTRUCTIVELY. WITHOUT YELLING AT HIM ABOUT SHELLFISH. ] I can take it.
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Cam sighs, rubbing his face.]
It's honestly not--
I mean, looking back, I don't know why--
It's not as bad as it sounds. As I'm making it out to be. You weren't--
We met at the bar after your concert. My first concert. I didn't even want to go, I was busy, really busy, but I went because my friend was going, and she convinced me. That, and she always got so- I didn't want her to go alone. Just in case.
It was good. I couldn't believe it when you came up to me afterwards. I was really flattered, because you were really good. And very attractive. And I didn't get out much. I'd never really had... that kind of attention before. Not directly.
[Cam doesn't need to say he was a virgin. The ghost of Jeff's rockstar past said that much for him.
He breathes, taking a moment.]
We talked. Flirted, I guess. You bought me a few more drinks. Well, they were free, but-- you know what I mean. You said you wanted to go somewhere more private, so we could get to know each other better. I wanted to get to know you.
Someone wanted to talk to you so you said you would be back in a couple minutes, and we'd go outside to your car. You didn't come back. And I should have known you weren't coming back after this first hour, but I thought maybe you'd gotten caught up in something important. So I waited until the bar closed, which in hindsight--
[Muffled sound, because his face is in his hands. Just talking about it makes him want to die all over again.]
God. It's stupid, but I thought 'this is a sign you should be focused on your studies' so I didn't go out again.
I can't blame that on you.
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Ohhhhh goddddd...
[ HE REALLY WAS A PIECE OF SHIT. He wouldn't even blame Cam if he never wanted to see him again. ]
Yes, you can! You can blame that on me! I give you permission!
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I’m not that boy anymore, and neither are you.
[At least Cam doesn’t want to be. Sometimes, he’s still too much like that boy.]
I will kill the damn lobster.
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I think I prefer us like this, anyway. I'm glad I'm getting to know you now that I can, ah. Appreciate it. You. Appreciate you.
...
I really like you, Cam.
[ COUGH. God he's so awkward.
Though Cam's vow to kill the lobster has him smiling again, moving on from his awkwardness. ]
Uh, yeah, we can-- Apparently the most humane way to kill it is to, uh... stab it... through the head... with a knife...
I looked it up.
Anyway, I can kill a lobster for you. If you want me to.
[ OR DIE TRYING.
Look, he just wants to show he can be relied on to do manly tasks like stabbing shellfish right between their beady eyes. ]
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Not appreciate myself.
[Jeff isn't the only awkward one. That comment about liking him... Jeff doesn't mean 'like' like, does he? Forty-five and Cam still feels like utterly unequipped to deal with men in a romantic capacity.]
I like you too. So I won't make you do that. It's really no trouble for me. I've killed goats before.
[Great selling point. Now he thinks you're a Satanist.]
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Or is it Snapchat now? Note to self: ask Athena. ]
Goats are jerks. They were probably asking for it.
[ He says that teasingly. DON'T WORRY, CAM, Jeff doesn't mind that there's goat blood on your hands.
Even if he doesn't really mean it when he victim blames the goats!! ]
So...
Should we make this crime against shellfish an actual date? A date-date? A no kids allowed kind of thing?
[ THERE. THERE IS NO MORE AMBIGUITY. JUST MANLY FORWARDNESS!! ]
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[There's no denying it this time. Jeff Calhoun is asking him out. On a date. That was unexpected. He's caught completely off-guard. A moment of silence as he collects himself. Or attempts to.]
I don't know about should, but we can.
[ Why are you like this? He laughs nervously at his own bad joke.]
Are you busy tomorrow night? It's fine if you're not. I know it's short notice.
No, maybe tomorrow is bad. It's uh, it's my birthday. That would probably make for an awkward first date.
[Why did he even mention it? He could have just kept his mouth shut.]
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CAM.
CAM!!!! ]
Were you planning on spending your birthday alone?
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I'm turning forty-three. It isn't exactly a special occasion.
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