Bev--the redhead? I never told you, or Aunt Nory, or anybody, but. She found me after I moved in with Nory. [ Athena licks her lips. ] She wanted me to come back to the coven, but. I said no.
[ Athena closes her eyes, trying not to get teary at the memory of it. ]
She lost it. She said all kinds of shit. You heard some of it. Called me a whore a lot. [ She shrugs one shoulder. Almost leaves it at that.
But it's not everything. This is hard. ]
She wasn't wrong about the way I run away. About the... about me. I ran after Robbie got arrested. Right after the trial. I've never even.... [ She curls into herself a little, shrinking into her guilt. ] I never even tried to find out where she got sent. I could have asked Aunt Nory, I could have tried to see if we could help her, I should have, I love her, but I'm....
[ Jeff leans against her, pulling Athena into a one-armed hug, as he listens without interruption.
It hits pretty close to home. Athena's story. It's just so familiar, because they really are alike in so many ways.
A mentor-apprentice match made from youthful mistakes. ]
You can still ask about her. I mean, when you're home again. Even if Robbie hates you now-- and there's no guarantee that she does-- just the act of reaching out, asking after her... It could mean a lot to her. And to you. And it might take care of some of the 'what ifs'.
[ He smiles grimly. ]
Because we sure like to torture ourselves with those 'what ifs.'
[ He's quick to add: ]
But that doesn't mean you have to. And it sure as shit doesn't mean Bev's right about you.
[ Somehow it never occurred to her that her first decisions about Robbie didn't have to be her last. It was done, finished. Only it doesn't have to be.
Athena closes her eyes, close to crying already, feelings tangled enough that she can't tell over what. ]
Yeah. I took what was easy, you know? I didn't always--we didn't always have enough to go around, like, or have good places to sleep or good clothes and we almost never had showers and shit, but we had each other. We had each other, and I ditched them.
Easy? You think starting over again was taking the easy way out? You took a chance to trust an adult, after everything your parents did to you. Going back to school, turning everything you knew upside down, saying goodbye to the family you made for yourself, it's--
It's so scary, and it's a lot of fucking work. It takes a brave person to do it. [ He offers a brief smile, kind of weak, kind of wavering, because it's not like he isn't haunted by the people he left behind, too, when he took his chance to make something better with his life. He believes in Athena's strength, even if he doesn't quite believe in his own. ] Trust me.
You can't give your everything to other people. It's not sustainable. Life's like... a fucking endless juggling act.
[ A tiny laugh, and then in a mock-serious voice: ]
Life's a juggling act, and we're all just uncoordinated clowns.
[ Seems about right to her, anyway. She sighs and tilts her head to rest against Jeff's side. ]
Giving everything to other people is so much easier though. Than being selfish. Than trying to figure it all out. Or maybe that's selfish too, using other people so you don't have to think about it--I don't know.
[ Athena rubs her face. ] I just feel like whatever I do, I'm disappointing somebody. I guess yeah, I mean, it was scary moving in with Aunt Nory and it was weird starting school again when I was so far behind and.... It wasn't easy, I guess, it wasn't, but. I just don't want to hurt anyone.
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no subject
Only if you're comfortable with it.
I just think... If I learned anything from that forest, it's that we're both still holding on to way too much shit.
no subject
Yeah.
[ She rubs her face, wondering where to start. ]
Bev--the redhead? I never told you, or Aunt Nory, or anybody, but. She found me after I moved in with Nory. [ Athena licks her lips. ] She wanted me to come back to the coven, but. I said no.
[ Athena closes her eyes, trying not to get teary at the memory of it. ]
She lost it. She said all kinds of shit. You heard some of it. Called me a whore a lot. [ She shrugs one shoulder. Almost leaves it at that.
But it's not everything. This is hard. ]
She wasn't wrong about the way I run away. About the... about me. I ran after Robbie got arrested. Right after the trial. I've never even.... [ She curls into herself a little, shrinking into her guilt. ] I never even tried to find out where she got sent. I could have asked Aunt Nory, I could have tried to see if we could help her, I should have, I love her, but I'm....
[ She runs out of steam. ]
I'm chickenshit. I don't want her to hate me.
no subject
It hits pretty close to home. Athena's story. It's just so familiar, because they really are alike in so many ways.
A mentor-apprentice match made from youthful mistakes. ]
You can still ask about her. I mean, when you're home again. Even if Robbie hates you now-- and there's no guarantee that she does-- just the act of reaching out, asking after her... It could mean a lot to her. And to you. And it might take care of some of the 'what ifs'.
[ He smiles grimly. ]
Because we sure like to torture ourselves with those 'what ifs.'
[ He's quick to add: ]
But that doesn't mean you have to. And it sure as shit doesn't mean Bev's right about you.
How'd you run away? By moving in with your aunt?
no subject
Athena closes her eyes, close to crying already, feelings tangled enough that she can't tell over what. ]
Yeah. I took what was easy, you know? I didn't always--we didn't always have enough to go around, like, or have good places to sleep or good clothes and we almost never had showers and shit, but we had each other. We had each other, and I ditched them.
no subject
It's so scary, and it's a lot of fucking work. It takes a brave person to do it. [ He offers a brief smile, kind of weak, kind of wavering, because it's not like he isn't haunted by the people he left behind, too, when he took his chance to make something better with his life. He believes in Athena's strength, even if he doesn't quite believe in his own. ] Trust me.
You can't give your everything to other people. It's not sustainable. Life's like... a fucking endless juggling act.
no subject
Life's a juggling act, and we're all just uncoordinated clowns.
[ Seems about right to her, anyway. She sighs and tilts her head to rest against Jeff's side. ]
Giving everything to other people is so much easier though. Than being selfish. Than trying to figure it all out. Or maybe that's selfish too, using other people so you don't have to think about it--I don't know.
[ Athena rubs her face. ] I just feel like whatever I do, I'm disappointing somebody. I guess yeah, I mean, it was scary moving in with Aunt Nory and it was weird starting school again when I was so far behind and.... It wasn't easy, I guess, it wasn't, but. I just don't want to hurt anyone.