I'm not bullshitting you. [ He's just... kind of withholding! It's different!
...
It's not different. He goes quiet again, trying to find the right words to explain, before admitting, his voice quiet, breaking with reluctance and old grief: ]
[ God damn it. He was hoping the implication would be enough. And normally, Jeff would consider it a good thing, that Athena thinks so well of him that she'd assume the best, not the worst.
But sometimes, in the wake of the ghosts of the past, the same thought gets stuck in his head, on a loop, like a fucking mantra: You don't deserve any of this. You don't deserve the good stuff.
(Sometimes he hears it in the demon's voice. Sometimes his own. Sometimes other people's, the people he's hurt over the years...)
He doesn't deserve Athena, or Cam. He doesn't deserve Mel, however far away she is. He doesn't deserve to be seen as Jeff Calhoun, the teacher, the dad, friendly and nurturing, and totally harmless.
He shifts to accommodate her. ]
To give it what it wanted.
[ At least that should clear things up. It's not like he hasn't told Athena what the demon wanted. She knows what it tried to get him to do, over and over again. Write a new song. Bring me into the world. I just want to touch things.
Yeah, he hadn't been thinking much about the 'what next?' What happens after a demon's brought into the world?
Best case scenario, it would've crawled from him into one of his bandmates. 'Best case.'
Or he would've been in about the same situation as when he'd started, only with that thing in the driver's seat and himself as the passenger in his own body. Is it even freedom if the damn thing is just using your body as a meat puppet anyway?
At the time, though... it was more of an attempt at a slow suicide. ]
I was strung out. I wasn't thinking clear--
[ He stops himself. No lying, no sugarcoating things. Not with Athena and the subject of his past. He does, after all, want to keep her away from making any of the mistakes he did.
[ She's quiet for a little while, digesting that, trying to wrap her head around that kind of despair. She's never been down that far. She knows she hasn't. She's never been in a place where she'd willingly give herself up to a monster.
But she's seen adults that far down before. The ones on the street who don't see the point of living any more. The ones who are fresh under the bridge, in despair because their old life feels so far out of reach.
The ones that go up to the top of the bridge and jump.
I don't think you would do it. Or Cam. [ He looks at Athena, and yeah, he can't keep some of the guilt from reaching his eyes and the curve of his mouth. ] When you get down to it... at the root of things, it was all me. Jesus, even after rehab...
[ See: the ghost of his ex. His voice is still somewhat subdued, but he tries to bring some optimism into it now: ]
But, hey, that's why I work at it. You know? Not being that person anymore.
[ In a lofty tone: ] My therapist says we're all works in progress.
[ More seriously: ] I think it sounds like bullshit, but even if it sounds like bullshit it can still be true.
[ She stretches her legs out to rest her feet on the coffee table. ] I mean. I was kind of a shit person before.
[ Bev's voice fills her head, a thousand nighttime accusations while Athena curled inside her sleeping bag. I bet you'd come back for her. Do you even know what love is? How would you be able to tell when you've never loved anyone more than yourself? You fuck and ditch, it's what you do, you use people and leave them behind.
Athena swallows, her throat tight. ]
I hope I'm less shit now, that maybe you're right, but I don't know.
Bev--the redhead? I never told you, or Aunt Nory, or anybody, but. She found me after I moved in with Nory. [ Athena licks her lips. ] She wanted me to come back to the coven, but. I said no.
[ Athena closes her eyes, trying not to get teary at the memory of it. ]
She lost it. She said all kinds of shit. You heard some of it. Called me a whore a lot. [ She shrugs one shoulder. Almost leaves it at that.
But it's not everything. This is hard. ]
She wasn't wrong about the way I run away. About the... about me. I ran after Robbie got arrested. Right after the trial. I've never even.... [ She curls into herself a little, shrinking into her guilt. ] I never even tried to find out where she got sent. I could have asked Aunt Nory, I could have tried to see if we could help her, I should have, I love her, but I'm....
[ Jeff leans against her, pulling Athena into a one-armed hug, as he listens without interruption.
It hits pretty close to home. Athena's story. It's just so familiar, because they really are alike in so many ways.
A mentor-apprentice match made from youthful mistakes. ]
You can still ask about her. I mean, when you're home again. Even if Robbie hates you now-- and there's no guarantee that she does-- just the act of reaching out, asking after her... It could mean a lot to her. And to you. And it might take care of some of the 'what ifs'.
[ He smiles grimly. ]
Because we sure like to torture ourselves with those 'what ifs.'
[ He's quick to add: ]
But that doesn't mean you have to. And it sure as shit doesn't mean Bev's right about you.
[ Somehow it never occurred to her that her first decisions about Robbie didn't have to be her last. It was done, finished. Only it doesn't have to be.
Athena closes her eyes, close to crying already, feelings tangled enough that she can't tell over what. ]
Yeah. I took what was easy, you know? I didn't always--we didn't always have enough to go around, like, or have good places to sleep or good clothes and we almost never had showers and shit, but we had each other. We had each other, and I ditched them.
Easy? You think starting over again was taking the easy way out? You took a chance to trust an adult, after everything your parents did to you. Going back to school, turning everything you knew upside down, saying goodbye to the family you made for yourself, it's--
It's so scary, and it's a lot of fucking work. It takes a brave person to do it. [ He offers a brief smile, kind of weak, kind of wavering, because it's not like he isn't haunted by the people he left behind, too, when he took his chance to make something better with his life. He believes in Athena's strength, even if he doesn't quite believe in his own. ] Trust me.
You can't give your everything to other people. It's not sustainable. Life's like... a fucking endless juggling act.
[ A tiny laugh, and then in a mock-serious voice: ]
Life's a juggling act, and we're all just uncoordinated clowns.
[ Seems about right to her, anyway. She sighs and tilts her head to rest against Jeff's side. ]
Giving everything to other people is so much easier though. Than being selfish. Than trying to figure it all out. Or maybe that's selfish too, using other people so you don't have to think about it--I don't know.
[ Athena rubs her face. ] I just feel like whatever I do, I'm disappointing somebody. I guess yeah, I mean, it was scary moving in with Aunt Nory and it was weird starting school again when I was so far behind and.... It wasn't easy, I guess, it wasn't, but. I just don't want to hurt anyone.
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no subject
I'm not bullshitting you. [ He's just... kind of withholding! It's different!
...
It's not different. He goes quiet again, trying to find the right words to explain, before admitting, his voice quiet, breaking with reluctance and old grief: ]
I just wanted it out of my head.
no subject
Athena wriggles one arm around behind Jeff's back, pulling herself closer to him and trying to be strong, herself. ]
What out of--
[ Oh.
Oh. ]
You did a spell to try and make it leave?
no subject
But sometimes, in the wake of the ghosts of the past, the same thought gets stuck in his head, on a loop, like a fucking mantra: You don't deserve any of this. You don't deserve the good stuff.
(Sometimes he hears it in the demon's voice. Sometimes his own. Sometimes other people's, the people he's hurt over the years...)
He doesn't deserve Athena, or Cam. He doesn't deserve Mel, however far away she is. He doesn't deserve to be seen as Jeff Calhoun, the teacher, the dad, friendly and nurturing, and totally harmless.
He shifts to accommodate her. ]
To give it what it wanted.
[ At least that should clear things up. It's not like he hasn't told Athena what the demon wanted. She knows what it tried to get him to do, over and over again. Write a new song. Bring me into the world. I just want to touch things.
Yeah, he hadn't been thinking much about the 'what next?' What happens after a demon's brought into the world?
Best case scenario, it would've crawled from him into one of his bandmates. 'Best case.'
Or he would've been in about the same situation as when he'd started, only with that thing in the driver's seat and himself as the passenger in his own body. Is it even freedom if the damn thing is just using your body as a meat puppet anyway?
At the time, though... it was more of an attempt at a slow suicide. ]
I was strung out. I wasn't thinking clear--
[ He stops himself. No lying, no sugarcoating things. Not with Athena and the subject of his past. He does, after all, want to keep her away from making any of the mistakes he did.
Jeff rubs his eyes, then shakes his head. ]
No, that's bullshit. I just didn't care anymore.
no subject
But she's seen adults that far down before. The ones on the street who don't see the point of living any more. The ones who are fresh under the bridge, in despair because their old life feels so far out of reach.
The ones that go up to the top of the bridge and jump.
She leans her head against Jeff. ]
I'm glad it didn't work.
no subject
Me too. I kinda like how my life turned out.
[ Understatement. By and large, he loves his life. Maybe he doesn't deserve all the good things, but he's glad he's got them. ]
I just didn't want you to know, I guess. That I was ever... that kind of selfish.
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I think if you push people hard enough we can all be that kind of selfish. Y'know? People break. It happens. It happens all the time.
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[ See: the ghost of his ex. His voice is still somewhat subdued, but he tries to bring some optimism into it now: ]
But, hey, that's why I work at it. You know? Not being that person anymore.
no subject
[ More seriously: ] I think it sounds like bullshit, but even if it sounds like bullshit it can still be true.
[ She stretches her legs out to rest her feet on the coffee table. ] I mean. I was kind of a shit person before.
[ Bev's voice fills her head, a thousand nighttime accusations while Athena curled inside her sleeping bag. I bet you'd come back for her. Do you even know what love is? How would you be able to tell when you've never loved anyone more than yourself? You fuck and ditch, it's what you do, you use people and leave them behind.
Athena swallows, her throat tight. ]
I hope I'm less shit now, that maybe you're right, but I don't know.
no subject
[ He nudges Athena playfully with his elbow. ]
So I think I like your therapist's approach to things.
[ And then, more seriously: ]
You're not a shit person, Athena. I've seen how you look out for people.
[ He thinks for a few moments, then adds: ]
Why don't we compare notes? Just get it all out. All the shitty things about us. We can use each other as a sounding board.
[ It'll be therapeutic! ]
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Yeah? [ Athena stares at her lap for a moment, biting her lips together, then she nods. ]
Yeah, okay.
[ If Jeff can admit he wanted to give himself up to a demon, she can't be coward about her own mistakes. ]
no subject
Only if you're comfortable with it.
I just think... If I learned anything from that forest, it's that we're both still holding on to way too much shit.
no subject
Yeah.
[ She rubs her face, wondering where to start. ]
Bev--the redhead? I never told you, or Aunt Nory, or anybody, but. She found me after I moved in with Nory. [ Athena licks her lips. ] She wanted me to come back to the coven, but. I said no.
[ Athena closes her eyes, trying not to get teary at the memory of it. ]
She lost it. She said all kinds of shit. You heard some of it. Called me a whore a lot. [ She shrugs one shoulder. Almost leaves it at that.
But it's not everything. This is hard. ]
She wasn't wrong about the way I run away. About the... about me. I ran after Robbie got arrested. Right after the trial. I've never even.... [ She curls into herself a little, shrinking into her guilt. ] I never even tried to find out where she got sent. I could have asked Aunt Nory, I could have tried to see if we could help her, I should have, I love her, but I'm....
[ She runs out of steam. ]
I'm chickenshit. I don't want her to hate me.
no subject
It hits pretty close to home. Athena's story. It's just so familiar, because they really are alike in so many ways.
A mentor-apprentice match made from youthful mistakes. ]
You can still ask about her. I mean, when you're home again. Even if Robbie hates you now-- and there's no guarantee that she does-- just the act of reaching out, asking after her... It could mean a lot to her. And to you. And it might take care of some of the 'what ifs'.
[ He smiles grimly. ]
Because we sure like to torture ourselves with those 'what ifs.'
[ He's quick to add: ]
But that doesn't mean you have to. And it sure as shit doesn't mean Bev's right about you.
How'd you run away? By moving in with your aunt?
no subject
Athena closes her eyes, close to crying already, feelings tangled enough that she can't tell over what. ]
Yeah. I took what was easy, you know? I didn't always--we didn't always have enough to go around, like, or have good places to sleep or good clothes and we almost never had showers and shit, but we had each other. We had each other, and I ditched them.
no subject
It's so scary, and it's a lot of fucking work. It takes a brave person to do it. [ He offers a brief smile, kind of weak, kind of wavering, because it's not like he isn't haunted by the people he left behind, too, when he took his chance to make something better with his life. He believes in Athena's strength, even if he doesn't quite believe in his own. ] Trust me.
You can't give your everything to other people. It's not sustainable. Life's like... a fucking endless juggling act.
no subject
Life's a juggling act, and we're all just uncoordinated clowns.
[ Seems about right to her, anyway. She sighs and tilts her head to rest against Jeff's side. ]
Giving everything to other people is so much easier though. Than being selfish. Than trying to figure it all out. Or maybe that's selfish too, using other people so you don't have to think about it--I don't know.
[ Athena rubs her face. ] I just feel like whatever I do, I'm disappointing somebody. I guess yeah, I mean, it was scary moving in with Aunt Nory and it was weird starting school again when I was so far behind and.... It wasn't easy, I guess, it wasn't, but. I just don't want to hurt anyone.